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September 2022

LinkedIn? Completed it, mate…

Automating the messages you send your connections on LinkedIn is just amazing isn’t it? Never have you been able to bombard, annoy and pester so many people with such ease. Properly qualifying leads and building real connections with people? Pah! Only suckers are doing that.

The real 10 X-ers, growth gurus and marketing jedi/ninjas out there are getting the robots to help them out and using automated messaging to turn cold contacts into real cash money. LinkedIn? Completed it, mate.

If you’re yet to taste the cool aid or jump on the band wagon then we got you, bro. Just pick whichever shitty LinkedIn automation tool you want – there are hundreds to choose from -and then get to work with the following guide on how to write the PERFECT automated message.

Your 1-2-1 LinkedIn social selling growth hacking strategy (and the course you’re going to sell to unsuspecting fools for a limited time offer of £97 off the back of it) will thank us. Here we go.

Your LinkedIn connection strategy


Literally anyone.

Just click randomly in the “people you may know” section of LinkedIn until you’ve sent a connection request. Repeat until your fingers bleed. Sorted.


Hit those new connections quickly

First things first, make sure you set up your automated sales pitch message to send no later than 6 seconds after your new connection has accepted your request. They wouldn’t have connected with you if they didn’t want to be pitched to, right? So, hit them with what you’ve got immediately. They’ll love that.

Here’s what the lightning response automated message should say.


“Hi There”

remember, people hate it when you use their name. No one wants to feel like you’ve taken the time to personalise a message to them so be sure to include a generic greeting.

This’ll make people feel like they’re not worth anything to you and you don’t actually care about them as a person…which is exactly where you want them. They’ll be feeling needy and desperate for your validation. That’s when you tee them up with the following…


“I’ve noticed that you’re doing great things at the moment. It’s really impressive, especially in these unprecedented times”

Firstly make it all about yourself from the off. Start with “I”. No one wants to feel like you’re talking to or understand them. They definitely want to hear what you’ve got to say though.

Be sure to say that you notice something here too. It shows that you’re clearly switched on and you’ve got your finger on the pulse. People who notice things are also scientifically proven to earn the most money and be more attractive to other people who notice things.

But make sure to keep what you notice weirdly vague. That way people will either be flattered you’ve taken the time to notice something they’re doing, or they’ll be intrigued to read on and see which one of the things they’re doing at the moment has caught your eye. Win win.

And of course, you have to mention these “unprecedented times”. No one else will be doing that and it shows that you really understand what they’re going through right now. You kind and caring soul.


Now they’re hooked…


So now you’ve got them hooked. Your new connection is going to be gagging to know where you’re going with this, so hit them with a killer question. Something like:



“But what if you could take your business where you want it to go with one simple tool?”

 Again, keep things nice and vague here. Let your new connection do all the hard work to understand what on earth it is you’re talking about. Anyway, your one simple tool is going to take their business where they want it to go. What sort of numpty wouldn’t want some of that?

So now you can hit them with the motherload…

Our unique solution uses AI and Machine Learning to BLAH BLAH BLAH WAFFLE CRAP PIFFLE…”

Now we get into the meat of things. Make sure you’ve got at least 3 full paragraphs of text to go in here (minimum of 5 lines per paragraph). If people have read this far, they’ll DEFINITELY spend the extra time to wade through everything you’ve got to say here.

People love AI and Machine Learning too, so definitely put that front and centre. But make sure that people know the AI and Machine Learning you use is very different from all the other AI and Machine Learning your competitors and every other solution provider uses.

Make sure you use a word like unique, cutting-edge, bleeding-edge, bespoke, tailored, and/or innovative here too, so people know they’re getting something no one else can give them. But because they could get exactly what you do from someone else make sure to hammer home that your tool is the MOST unique out of all the unique solutions.

Once your new connection has read what you’ve got to say a few times over – because your message is so compelling they’ll read it multiple times, obviously – you can then hit them with the ask.


The Money Shot

Be prepared for a flood of responses with this one though. It’s an offer that any sane human simply can’t refuse so you might want to employ a couple of personal assistants to handle your diary for the next few months…

“Could we set up a time to talk for 15-20 minutes?”

Boom. What did we tell you? An irresistible offer.

It’s so perfect because everyone knows that 15-20 minutes is the optimum length of time for a call and busy people will fall over themselves to have an optimum length phone call with whoever asks for one.

Also great to keep things vague here again. No need to be specific about WHAT you want to talk about or WHY it would be of value for someone to talk to you. They’ll know all of that from the super sweet message they’ve just read.

Then just sign off the message with your name, nick-name, that title you use on LinkedIn with all the slashes and/or emojis in it and put your feet up, jump on all those calls, and take a look at which yacht you’re going to buy after you close all those multimillion pound deals. #KillingIt

Mic drop.


Now, clearly this is a work of satire. If you hadn’t figured that out from the first sentence then I don’t think we could be friends.

But there has been a significant increase in the number of connection requests and automated messages we’ve been getting on LinkedIn. It’s the same for a lot of people we know too and for most people it’s largely a pain in the neck.

No one wants to be randomly connected with and then blind-sided by a sales pitch 3 seconds later. Has anyone ever bought anything after an approach like that?

LinkedIn InMails and messages can be a valuable channel to use as part of a wider lead gen approach, but simply bombarding unsuspecting people with spammy messages isn’t going to get you very far.

If you want to have a grown-up chat about building demand and lead gen activity that actually does the trick then just get in touch.